Do you find yourself constantly attracting the same type of guy? Are you always left with a broken heart? Do you feel like something just isn’t right?
I get it, trust me.
There’s a good chance you have experience in the world of dating a narcissist. Many of us do because they seem to be everywhere!
In order to avoid being get ripped into by angry keyboard warriors, I’m going to take a moment here to acknowledge that narcissism is not gender specific. Both males, and females, can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Both genders can also display narcissistic traits, without a diagnosis. But, for the purpose of this article, and because my work focuses purely on the female experience, this article is about the female experience of narcissism.
I’m not going to waste too much of your precious time outlining the traits of a narcissist because there is every chance you are well versed on what exactly these are. But, for those who may be reading this from a curious perspective rather than from that of a first hand heartbreak-ee, here’s a quick summary…
- A complete lack of any empathy
- An inability truly connect on any deep level
- A over inflated sense of self
- An insatiable need for adoration
- An unbreakable sense of entitlement
- A child like way of behaving (tantrums, selfishness, stubbornness etc)
…and the list continues.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a guy displaying these ‘spectrum-based’ behaviours, you’ll know it. These aren’t one-offs. They run the course of the entire ‘relationship’…. If you can even call it that. I prefer to call them ‘convenience-ships’ because essentially, that’s all they are. That’s all YOU are…. convenient. I know, the truth hurts doesn’t it!
So… here are 4 things you can start doing today to stop attracting the same type of guy. 4 things you can do to end the cycle of perpetual heartbreak…
Know, believe and model your worthiness
You know you matter, right? You know you are worthy of respect, commitment, loyalty and love…. you just have to get better at modelling it. At putting it on display for the world to see, completely guilt free! When we show the world how we expect to be treated, through valuing ourselves, we invite people into our life who can, and will, step up to meet us where we’re at. The right person will respect you for having done the work. The right person will see it as a privilege to be by your side. And, the right person will be inspired by your commitment to honouring your own (totally reasonable!) needs and wants.
Be comfortable setting, and enforcing, healthy boundaries
Nearly every client I see ends up asking for support with healthy boundary setting. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship, a workplace setting or a family environment. Boundary setting can be really hard for some people, particularly if you’ve been taught or brainwashed into thinking boundaries are in fact ‘walls’…. concrete walls. They are not! Boundaries are healthy and they send a clear message to anyone we engage with that ‘hey… you crossed the line!’.
This isn’t about a dictatorship, this is about honest communication which, in a healthy situation, leads to less misunderstanding and conflict. I like to describe healthy boundaries as ‘picket fences’… you know, they say ‘Hey, hi! This is my place. Come on in for a visit but remember, there are rules!’. If they break the rules severely enough, we ask them to leave.
It’s really no different to the boundaries we have in place around visitors we allow into our homes. See! Everyone knows where they stand. No muddy water. Boundaries are a GIFT! When we know what is expected we have a choice… to step up or step out. And choices are powerful!
Hold on tight to your sense of self
Get in touch with yourself – who are you? What’s important to you? What do you value in life? What gets you out of bed in the morning? Why do you love the things you do? When we know who we are, we know who and what we want in a relationship. We know what we offer the world and we know we are a great catch, for the right person. Having a firm grip on what makes us … us … means we are less likely to bend (and ultimately break!) for the wrong person!
Never settle for less than you deserve
This one really doesn’t need much explanation, does it? ….. does it? Once we buck the cultural trend of dating and marrying in order to gain ‘whole-ness’ we are free to relish in the joy of selective dating. Of singledom. Of being a patient ‘shopper’! Because you know, it’s better to be alone and happy than with company and desperately lonely. Singledom is not all that bad when you compare it to a lifetime of settling for the wrong guy purely because you fear your own single-ness.
So there you have it… 4 Things You Need To Do Immediately If You Want To Stop Attracting Narcissists!
I hope this article helps you break the heartbreak!
If you’d like to connect with me and find out how I might be able to support you, please feel free to reach out here. During the Covid health crisis I am offering phone and online therapy sessions. These are available to women Australia wide. Face to face sessions are suspended until further notice.
In the mean time you may like to check out these articles;
Until next week…
Yours in better mental health,