Wait. Is that even possible? Healing when you have an unloving mother? Yes. Totally. You just need the right people around you.
No doubt about it – abuse or physical or emotional neglect at the hands of the woman who birthed you (or at the hands of the woman you identified as your mother) is like a knife through the heart.
It hurts in a different way that no other abuse or neglect ever could.
Human biology and societal values tell us that mothers should want to protect, nurture, support and care for us… at all costs. But what if they don’t?
Sadly, it’s not uncommon.
Many of my clients come for support with this very issue. After years of internal struggle which often include depression, anxiety, self-hate, self-harm, failed relationships and more… these women hit rock bottom. They are often nervous, full of self-doubt, angry at the world and feeling ‘ripped off.’ And rightly so.
Toxic families and all their dysfunction are still very much challenging issues to talk about, in society but particularly with a therapist because apparently ‘all families are perfect’ aren’t they? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Without doing a manual count I estimate that almost 70-80% of my client cases are connected with toxic, emotionally unavailable or unloving mothers, in some way shape or form. And this represents just my little therapeutic corner of the globe.
Toxic families, and in particular, toxic mothers, are everywhere.
So what if it’s you. What if you’ve got a toxic mother and your heart continues to break over and over? This article will give you some basic things to consider as you heal.
Before I go on I think it’s important here that I state clearly that no mother is perfect and no child is perfect. But there is a fine line between an imperfect mother and an abusive, neglectful, destructive mother.
Ok… things to think about;
Feel the feels
The most important step on any healing journey is to acknowledge and sit with your pain. Deny your feelings and you’re on the 9:01 express train to nowhere. Kind of like a dam wall… if the water isn’t consistently and safely released the damn wall breaks and a flood ensues. Feelings are messengers sent to us in order to make us attend to our own needs. Denying them only makes them come back stronger and more destructive.
Know and believe that it was always about them, not you
This one will speak to you in different ways depending on your unique set of circumstances. Was your mother selfish? Controlling? Just plain nasty? Remember these behaviours are a reflection of her and who she is rather than a reflection of anything being wrong with you. You can bet your last dollar that these toxic, unloving behaviours would have been on display regardless of the child she had. Whatever the story, try not to internalise it and look for fault in yourself.
‘Mother’ versus ‘mothering’
When it comes to being a ‘mother’ (job title) versus ‘mothering’ (verb or doing word)… there is a monumental difference. Any woman can become a mother and take on that job title. Does that mean she will successfully fulfil the role? No. ‘Mothering’ is skills based and sometimes people just don’t have the skills, or the interest, to do it well. Mothering takes work. Dedication. Commitment. Selflessness and a stack of self-awareness and reflection.
Maybe your mother never wanted to become a mother? Maybe your mother found it all too hard? Maybe your mother had no good role models to look up to? And maybe, there’s a whole lot more to it. Each case is different but know that it was never about there being anything ‘wrong’ with you.
Remember they can’t give what they don’t have
This one can be a hard pill to swallow but honestly, it can also be a huge eye opener. Maybe you needed love, but your mother didn’t love herself first so had nothing to give you. Maybe you needed a listening ear but your mother had poor communication skills and no empathy. Maybe your mother just wasn’t caring and gentle like you. We all have our own unique perspective on what a mother ‘should’ look like or ‘should’ do but ultimately, if they don’t have it they can’t provide it.
Look for healthy role models
I know, it’s hard, but if you feel an empty void in your heart it can be a good idea to surround yourself with positive, uplifting, kind and empathetic women who can step in and give you the next best thing to a mother’s love. There are plenty of women who would love to be your support person. Your cheerleader and your go-to on the rough days. Heal your heart by seeking comfort in other women who step up and remind you that healthy people do exist.
Leave her suitcase of ‘stuff’ behind and walk on
Whatever negativity and unwanted stuff she threw in the ‘suitcase’ that is your life… DUMP IT. It’s not yours to carry. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t deserve it. You don’t need it and you DON’T have to suffer forever because of it. Believe that you deserve love. Take action like you deserve love and give yourself love, always.
Remember it’s ok to stay, or go
No matter what the outsiders say remain committed to your rights on this journey. You have the right to hold onto the toxic relationship, because she’s your mum. You also have the right to cut ties and ‘save’ yourself, if you feel that is necessary to heal and live the life you are entitled to have. Of course letting go can be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make, and it can be made even harder by ill-informed members of society who feel you ‘owe’ your mother something or that you should stick around and cop more abuse simply because of your connection as mother and child. You are not responsible for your mother, remember that.
So there you have it.. Healing From An Unloving Mother: Where To Start?
I hope this article warms your heart, even if just a little. Talking through your strong emotions with a qualified therapist can make all the difference to the quality of your life so why not be brave and reach out? It may be the first day of the rest of your life. My services are available to women Australia wide.
In the meantime you may also like to check out these articles;
How Will Therapy Actually Help Me?
3 Therapeutic Approaches I Use To Help You Get Unstuck
Until next week…
Yours in better mental health,
Erica Rundle
My Mother is very very unsupportive then wonders why I abuse drugs.
I have to get help elsewhere
Hi Maree, I’m sorry to hear that. I really hope you can get the support and help you deserve and want. Take care, Erica
My mom doesn’t love me and I’m in college and I’ve come such a long way. I wish things were different. Today I came home and she just started saying negative things for no reason. I hate her and I wish I could afford to move out but I’ve going through tough times this season so I have to live with a mother that doesn’t love me or want me.
Hi Christal,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry to hear your story, it must be so hard for you right now. I hope you can find a way to eventually be free and happy. All the best with your college and look after yourself! Regards, Erica
Thank u. Came looking for suicide hotlines but this helped way more
Oh wow, I’m so happy to read that it was helpful. I hope you’re going ok. Always remember you aren’t alone, even though it may feel like it. Take care, Erica
I hadn’t spoken to my mother in 6 years after many years of difficulties. I reached out to her more than once to try and heal things but she wasn’t interested even all through covid. I then read my mother’s death online last year. My brother and sister who were with my mother never told me and my other sister (as well as my mother’s sister’s) that she was even sick. Reading this has helped as I know my mother came from a traumatic background and I understand her much better now. I hope she thought of me and my sister before she died. Thank you for writing this, it means a lot
Hi Sarah,
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story. I’m sorry to hear of your experience and so glad this article helped, even if just a little! Wishing you healing and peace… Erica
Ive not been in good terms with my mother because she was absent during my adolescent age now she came back with much of cruelty and she wants me to do what she tells me in an aggressive manner she be wanting to know what I’m doing but am not comfortable with her around my life
Hi Faith,
Sorry to hear that, I hope you can set boundaries and protect your mental health. Wishing you healing and peace. Regards, Erica
I am forced to care for my elderly narc mother. She sucks
Hi Ann,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry to hear that, it must be so hard for you. I hope you have someone to lean on during this time. Take care, Erica
I have a mom that I don’t live with. She lives in another state. We used to talk a lot on the phone, but the phone calls have lessened to months without anything. My stepmom told me that she doesn’t love me. I don’t know what to think, but I’ve been feeling horrible ever since. Because I love her, but I don’t know if my mom actually loves me anymore. And I try to find reasons as to why, but I always end up blaming myself. I’m not sure what to do.
Hi Kim,
Thanks for your comment and I’m sorry to hear this. Have you thought about seeking some counselling support local to your area? It may help you to work through your feelings and get to the root of the self-blame. You are worthy and loveable just as you are! All the best…. Erica
These answers sound generic and not helpful. After years of therapy I realized my mother is a narcissist, which explains a lot about her attitude and behavior towards me, her daughter and oldest child.
Hi Angela,
Thanks for your comment. Yes, I agree, these tips are generic in nature and that’s because they are not tailored to any individual story or experience of trauma specifically. Individualised work can only be done in the safety and comfort of a well-established therapeutic relationship with the appropriate mental health professional. Blog articles contain general information only and should never be considered individual advice. I wish you the best as you process your experience with narcissism. Regards, Erica
My mum told me she no longer had any respect for me after setting a boundary with her. My heart is broken, despite having a toxic relationship with her I never thought she’d go that low. We haven’t spoken in 3 months. This article has helped and given me the guidance to seek help.
Hi Anna,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your mum but I’m really glad the article has provided you with some guidance, as you said. Boundaries can be difficult to set but often the only people who have difficulty with respecting them are those who stand to benefit from a person not having any! Of course, it’s never as simple as that, it’s just something to think about. All the best… Erica
My mom never took my side, always taking my 2 brothers’ side. Also never acknowledged me the way she acknowledge my brothers.
Hi Odessa,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry to hear about your experience with your mum. I hope the article offered some useful tips for you and that you give yourself all the recognition and love you deserve! Erica
Hi. I am 55. I cut my mum out of my life 5 years ago after years of trying to prove my worth by helping her and dad with every demand. Now dad is in dementia care and we have limited contact again, but the impact of seeing my mum is like a floodwater of grief and anxiety and memories I had buried. I am a strong woman with a family and grandkids of my own, I don’t need my mother for anything, so I am confused why I am so traumatised at this later stage of life. I suddenly feel like I was robbed of the experience of having a mother’s love, yet I don’t want her love at all. She lacks self awareness and will never see me. I accept that. So I don’t know why I am suddenly stuck.
Hi Isabella,
Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m sorry to hear you feel stuck and please know, your experiences are common, hence me writing the article. I obviously can’t provide therapy in this forum but what I can say is that it’s completely understandable to have past trauma ‘reactivated’ or ‘triggered’ in the present, especially when dealing with ageing parents and changing family dynamics. I’m not sure if you’ve had any counselling in the past, but it can be helpful to have a professional, supportive person walk with you as you unpack and process your feelings (and the ‘buried memories’ your referred to). The ripple effect of going to therapy can have a lasting impact on generations to come. All the best to you, Erica
Wow- needed to read this- hear it. Realize I can no longer absorb her regrets & unhappiness. Always has had to be about trying to get her attention. Her acceptance. Her approval. Her love. She has always been distant. And when present extremely passive aggressive. And nasty. I am just done. I am 56 and just absolutely done.
On the positive side I have known I would NEVER ever be that kind of parent. I have great relationships with my 27 yr old son & 23 yr old daughter. I love them unconditionally and have always been available and present in every part of their lives. No resentment. No fear driven actions. Just love and pride in the humans they are.
I have to let my Mom go while she is alive. I Have to stop living with the pain and hope. Cannot change her. But I will set the boundaries and be happy.
Hi Michele,
Thanks for reading the article and for leaving a comment.
I’m sorry to hear your story but it’s great to know the article has supported an awakening, or a realisation, in you. It sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job raising your kids and your close bond with them is a testament to the healing you’ve done. I wish you well in your future, you deserve to be happy!
Take care,
Erica