There’s no doubt about it… the term ‘Narcissist’ is thrown around freely these days. It feels like every second person has dated one, married one, worked with one or lived with one. Narcissists seem to be everywhere.
Whilst people can be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) it is more common for people to display narcissistic personality traits. There is a clear and distinct difference. Effectively, NPD affects all aspects of a person’ life whereas people who only display certain narcissistic traits can turn their traits on and off to suit the company they are keeping in any particular moment. This is what people often call the narcissist ‘mask’. This article focuses on those with narcissistic traits. I will refer to them as ‘narcissists’.
Narcissistic behaviours range from healthy to pathological, as in the case of many other conditions, diseases or disorders.
Healthy Narcissism…
- Feeling proud of ourselves
- Recognising our strengths and talents
- Liking what we see in the mirror
Healthy narcissism is vital to life. It helps us through challenging times if we can essentially be ‘in love’ with ourselves. It helps us appreciate all that is great about ourselves and reminds us why we are worthy of good things in life.
Unhealthy Narcissism…
Negative narcissistic traits can look different from person to person but essentially they are;
- A grandiose (or highly inflated) sense of self
- Arrogance
- A strong sense of entitlement
- An ability to abuse and exploit others without guilt or shame
- A lack of respect for authority
- A need for constant admiration and validation
- Little to no empathy for others
Narcissists are often extremely defensive, stubborn and opinionated. They also have difficulties maintaining healthy, loving, fully functioning relationships. Contrary to common belief, narcissists can either absolutely love themselves or absolutely hate themselves. Both manifest in similar patterns of behaviour on the narcissistic spectrum. The difference lies in whether their narcissism is fed by external validation or internal validation.
So, with that in mind, here are 5 tactics narcissists often use to destabilise you…
Gas Lighting
“It didn’t happen like that!”… ‘You’re imagining it!”… “That never happened”… “I didn’t say that!”
Sound familiar?
The term “gas lighting” came from a mid-1900’s play called Gas Light. The husband in the play subtly fiddles with the lighting in their flat over time and when the wife raises her concerns about the lighting problem, the husband convinces her she is imagining it and in fact, that she is going crazy. Of course the lighting wasn’t the only issue. The woman was also beginning to think she was a thief when in fact her husband was taking and misplacing things himself and then trying to convince the wife that she had done it!
Essentially gas lighting is brainwashing. Slow and deliberate psychological manipulation that results in the victim questioning their own reality. The ultimate aim of gas lighting is to disorientate the victim so they begin to doubt what is real and what is not. It is far more effective than people generally understand and, if used over years and years, can lead to all sorts of poor mental health outcomes for the victim.
Narcissists will use denial, misrepresentation, lies and contradiction to slowly trap the victim in this distorted reality and maintain control over them. By making the victim feel ‘crazy’ the victim is less likely to ask for help, reach out to friends and family for support or, leave the relationship or workplace.
Anyone and everyone can fall victim to gas lighting, no matter the context of the relationship.
Word Salad
Ever tried having a conversation or an argument about a drunk tree in pink shoes, before school and not in summer? Make no sense whatsoever? That is EXACTLY what word salad is. Random words, sentences, concepts, phrases and contradictions tossed together in a bowl and then strung together in an order that makes literally no sense!
Again, this is a psychological manipulation tactic.
A logical person would argue trees don’t drink. Trees don’t wear shoes. Trees don’t go to school. And that it doesn’t matter if it was in summer or not. A narcissistic person would argue everything BUT!
No amount of logic, reasoning, evidence, laughter or insults will make them back down. They will argue for the sake of arguing to rile you up and make you look like the crazy person they are trying to convince you (and others) that you are. These word salad conversations go round and round and round. By behaving in this way narcissists aim to exhaust you into submission, thus avoiding all accountability for their behaviour.
Word salad is a tactic very often used when a narcissistic person has been cornered or confronted with the reality of their behaviour. They are a deer in headlights and their defence is to create more drama and deflect the issues they’ve been presented with. If you’ve ever had a heated argument with a narcissist you will understand this!
(Note: Word salad is also a genuine symptom of other psychological disorders. In the context of narcissism however, this is a deliberately used manipulation tactic.)
Projection
Toxic people such as narcissists are masterful blame shifters. They will literally stop at nothing to avoid accountability. They will often blame the other party for all the things they themselves are doing, or have done. Think the cheating spouse. Or the wife in the ‘Gas Light’ play referenced earlier. He blamed her for the stealing he was doing.
This defence mechanism plays out in many ways but ultimately aims to distract the other party and make them carry the emotional burden. By shifting the blame the argument then becomes about the other party proving their innocence, thus allowing the narcissists behaviour to slip past.
Projection is avoidance 101. Classic. Simple. Avoidance.
Again, the frustration this behaviour evokes in the other party often results in them being labelled the ‘crazy’ one. In fact, the frustration is actually a normal response to an abnormal situation! The great thing about projection though is that whilst the confrontation may start with one topic the projection will often reveal many other things the narc has been up to. They effectively dob themselves in!
You confront them for lying, for example. Which in turn leads to them blaming you for lying. Or cheating. Or stealing. If you can look past the emotion and into the reality, the narc is in fact laying out exactly who they are!
Triangulation
This tactic can be extremely destructive to a person’s sense of self. It can involve all sorts of scenarios but what it basically means is bringing in a third party (literally or not) to back the narcissist’s case or to make you question your own abilities, worthiness or sanity.
It might mean they compare you to their ex…
“My ex-girlfriend was so fit and sexy. Why aren’t you?”
“My ex-girlfriend wore blue lingerie… you should too!”
It might also be them bringing in a mutual friend…
“See, xxx thinks you’re a sh!t wife too!”
“xxx told me you’re crazy and incapable. She sees it too!”
And in the context of a workplace it might look like…
“If only your work was as good as xxx’s!”
“What have you been doing for the last 2 hours? xxx has done so much more than you!”
When you’re living free of narcissistic abuse and the fog has finally cleared it’s easy to see how these statements just don’t matter. How your sense of self doesn’t rely on mirroring other people. But when you are living in the bubble of abuse these statements really erode your confidence thus making you do all sorts of things you wouldn’t normally do. By triangulating you the narc is further sucking you into their web of manipulation!
Threats
When a narcissist’s cover is threatened in any way they suffer what is known as a ‘narcissistic injury’. This blow to their ego often induces ‘narcissistic rage’. To a narcissist a threat might be someone giving them an ultimatum, someone trying to expose their lies or, someone promising to leave a relationship with them.
A wounded narcissist is literally capable of anything.
They might threaten to;
- Call your boss and tell them a lie so you lose your job
- Tell your partner you’ve been cheating on them so they break up with you
- Stop you having contact with your family
- Kill you
In a nutshell your perceived ‘disobedience’ enrages them. The very fact that you would question their control over you bruises their self-esteem and makes them think you think you are better than them. When it comes to a narcissist it’s all about winners and losers. You know which they prefer to be! Threats are the narcissist’s attempt to terrify you into compliance. They are a last resort when the narcissist seems to have lost all control.
Because a narcissist cannot see things from another person’s point of view, it’s their way or the highway. They feel that it is effectively their right to threaten you. To them, winning and bringing you down restores their self-esteem.
I hope this information helps people to better understand narcissism and the life changing impact it has on survivors.
As I said earlier, narcissism is a term we hear regularly but until you are 100% sure you have experienced narcissistic abuse I encourage you to look for other ways to describe your lived experience. In overusing this term we effectively ‘cheapen’ it’s meaning which dis-empowers survivors and downplays the severity of this behaviour.
If you are experiencing something that sounds like narcissistic abuse, support is available. Please don’t suffer in silence. Together we can identify what it is that you are experiencing, discuss strategies to help you cope and ultimately work out a safe way to remove you from the situation.
Feel free to reach out for support via the contact page. My services are available Australia wide. As a survivor myself, it would be my pleasure to help you. x If you know someone who would benefit from reading this article, you can share it using the links below!
Erica Rundle
Thank you so much for this information…I knew I was not crazy for the things I have noticed in my partner and the way he has been treating me??♀️
Hi Agustina, thanks for stopping by! Glad you found the article helpful. You are DEFINITELY not crazy! I’m sorry to hear you too are experiencing this psychological warfare and hope you find some peace soon. Erica x
I’m a bit lost… I don’t know if it is what I’m experiencing or not… My boyfriend has very nice sides but sometimes he really hurts me in ways that are described in this article. But he would never go very far like hurting me physically or anything.
I just feel shitty around him but for unclear reasons because he doesn’t say it to me directly. And it seems like if it doesn’t go his way, then I’m nothing for him.
Like for example, he promised me to spend Xmas with me as my family was in trouble and I became alone for Xmas, but on the Xmas Eve he told me “no sorry I can’t because my brother is coming so I’m gonna spend it with him” and I end up all alone. Or for example, he will call me crazy very often and it hurts me… But everytime I try to answer or communicate about those things he does that hurt me, he just blames them on me. Also he is very jealous and he check and hack all my social medias and he threatens to leave me if I see friends that he consider “bad” for me. He always thinks I’m gonna leave or cheat him and he never trust me.
But he never does very huge things and he is nice with me the rest of the time… So I don’t know. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end up alone and especially without him.
So sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. Thanks for stopping by to leave a comment. I think it’s important to note here that emotional and psychological abuse can be just as traumatic, sometimes even more traumatic, than physical abuse… because it is ‘invisible’ and often hard to prove to those we love (friends, family etc). It’s very common for abusers to have different “sides” as you say… one side that you see behind closed doors and the other side they show to the rest of the world. Hence people often say it’s like a ‘narcissistic mask’. The very fact that they can turn on and off certain behaviours at certain times tells us that they can indeed control their behaviours and choices. This fact tells us a lot about the situation. If you are left feeling sad, confused and hurt more than you are left feeling confident, safe and happy in the relationship it may be time to speak to someone about how you are feeling and what you want for your future. Control, manipulation and any form of abuse are never ok. Sending you strength.
I’ve felt crazy for years my soon to be ex-husband always told me well if you didn’t do this I wouldn’t be this way or have acted like this, if you would have given me what I wanted I wouldn’t have cheated. The list goes on and on. Right before I left with our kids he was constantly telling me I simply didn’t understand, misunderstood or just didn’t hear him. He began telling me he wasn’t responsible for how I felt for what he was doing as my emotions were my problem.
Now it’s the constant threats about our kids that I’ve been the primary caretaker for their entire lives saying he’ll just take one or I’ll just come take them if I disagree with what he wants. I try to speak about what is going on or what they have been saying and it falls on deaf ears. I try to explain the negative affects things may have on our special needs child and he doesn’t believe me.
I’m living a nightmare and the more I try to be civil and talk only about the kids the more he wants to argue with me.
Now I’m asking myself why didn’t I see this before I got to this point? I’m always questioning my sanity and wondering if it was infact all my fault.
Hi Melissa, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Firstly I want you to know you are definitely not crazy, this abuse is crazy! What you describe regarding his excuses… that is blame shifting, a very common and highly toxic form of psychological manipulation. It’s a go-to for many narcissists. It sounds like things are really tough and it’s no wonder you’re questioning your sanity. That would be exactly what he wants you to do. My suggestion would be to get some legal support (court orders will help with managing the care of the children) and also to put some really strict boundaries in place in regards to the way you communicate with him. If you are in Australia and after some counselling to help find your way, I’d be happy to help. I too am a survivor of this abuse. Sending you strength, Erica x
My father (NPD) when I was a kid, always used triangulation. I was a very good student, won coding and Math competitions from age 10, and I had good grades.
Anytime I came with a 4 (B in USA), he started to ask about my good student classmates like “What grade Susan got?”. Like it’d make any sense, plus when I received a 5 (A in USA), he did not ask about my classmates.
So, when I performed good (great), that was like normal, I received no praise, only like “okay”, when I only performed good or average, I was the bad.
Also, he did triangulation in other ways like written in the article, like just creating a totally false story of XY said this about you, making me wonder for ages who said what. They are also INTENTIONALLY blurry when they do this so no actual statement remains in your mind you could check, only a fog of negativity.
Hi Gábor, so sorry for only replying now. Thank you for leaving a comment. I’m really sorry to hear of your experience with narcissism. Wishing you a happy life going forward, you deserve it! Erica
Wow. This has given me the evidence that I’m not crazy and what was happening to me was the detailed efforts of a monster.
I can move on with my life. Single but happy and guilt free.
Thankyou
Hi Garreth, thanks for your comment. I’m so glad to hear this article has been helpful for you. All the best on your healing journey. Erica
I’ve been married for 30 years alway thought something was wrong with the way he thought but couldn’t put my finger on it. The other day he just got home from a fishing trip and we’ll I was doing dishes the sink clogged he went into a rage calling me every name frim stupid to retarded, I didn’t know what the heck was going on I calmed him down but couldn’t look at him that night, I was going to bed he locked the door to bedroom and the next day he canceled something I had bought with out telling me I saw it in a email he took all my pictures down and we have not talked, he just asked me what am I going to do I guess he means divorce all this over a sink I think he is a covert narcissist, he manipulates me and I also think I’m crazy I’ve been reading about narcissistic behavior
Hi Alice,
Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear of your experiences. You are not ‘crazy’, it sounds like you are having a normal reaction to abnormal behaviour! I hope you can get some support. All the best, Erica
Healthy narcissism? LMFAO any traits that are healthy should not ever be referred to as narcissistic. But then again the board is pulling the same rhetoric and making noises about removing NPD from the DSM, like having to deal with others’ NPD harbors no ill effects and we should look at the glass as half full.
They also downplay the % of the population that has NPD, maybe because the majority of the people doing the assessing are Cluster B.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for your comment. In fact, all human behaviours occur on a spectrum, including narcissism. Healthy narcissism includes having a balanced sense of pride in oneself and your achievements for example, as well as developing a healthy level of self-love that can in fact be a protective factor in life. There is plenty of literature around to support this. Pathological, destructive narcissistic behaviours are at the other end of the spectrum and these behaviours are often associated with abuse. Many people have narcissistic traits but not all would meet diagnostic criteria for NPD. Luckily people are now being educated about these unhealthy behaviours and can take steps to protect themselves where necessary but a lot of work still needs to be done in this space.
I seem to attract narcissists. At first they love bomb, then after awhile it all about them, the money they have, the trips they take, their illnesses, their weird children who they think are perfect. It seems like by the time I realize they are narcissists, I feel like I should listen to them and try to be a friend, which ends in more hurt for me! Please help. I guess I’m too nice, but I want healthy minded friends! Thanx for your help! ❤️🩹❤️🩹
Hi Sally,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Sorry to hear of your experience… people high in narcissistic traits are often very good at mirroring and manipulating so it’s common to hear about those who have been fooled by them. Protecting yourself from this type of person can involve lots of different things including working on boundary setting, knowing your worth and your values and also healing any relational trauma from the past so patterns don’t repeat in future dating or relationships. I wish you well in the future.
Regards,
Erica