If you’ve landed here, I’m guessing you already know something about narcissism and co-parenting. 

You likely know, parenting when narcissism is involved is next level. Like no other parenting ever done before. In fact, it can be a lot like the brick wall image you’ve just seen … almost impossible to get through.

Parenting in the context of narcissism can be considered the battlefield for unrelenting psychological warfare.

If people haven’t faced narcissism and co-parenting themselves, they will not understand you. It can be a lonely journey, but like anything, the more you know the more you grow.

To begin with, it’s important to know narcissists often view their children as possessions to be used and gained from, even viewing them as extensions of themselves. This means, they don’t see their children as unique individuals with their own needs, wants, opinions, likes and dislikes. Couple this with a narcissist’s complete lack of empathy, and this allows them to behave in any way they like, without having any regard for the best interests of their children.

Co-Parenting

Post relationship breakdown, the gold-star approach to parenting is co-parenting which entails open lines of communication, mutual respect, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries and a shared goal of raising healthy, happy children, together.

But if you are dealing with a narcissist, this is simply not possible. Why?

Because narcissists…

• Lack empathy
• Are extremely entitled
• Are unable to see things from other’s perspectives
• Have limited communication skills
• Have poor conflict management skills
• Are emotionally immature
• Lack self-awareness and the ability to reflect and learn from their interactions
• Often get defensive or rage when given constructive feedback or challenged on their opinions
• Behave in childlike ways (tantrums, selfishness, stubbornness etc)
• Thrive on creating conflict and all sorts of chaos
• Use manipulation tactics to get what they want
• Always have to be right

…and this makes dealing with them a nightmare.

Read: YOU CANNOT CO-PARENT WITH A NARCISSIST. In many cases, particularly those involving domestic abuse, it can actually be dangerous to attempt to do so.

Parallel-Parenting

Parallel-parenting is when both parents run things their own way in their home but still have the best interests of their children at heart. It means both parents, from a healthy place, agree to parent the children their own way.

Narcissists rarely engage in parallel-parenting.

Why? Because…

Narcissists often do the exact opposite of what you ask or suggest in relation to parenting, for the fun of it.

Narcissists actively counter-parent, for the fun of it.

Counter-Parenting

Counter-parenting involves the narcissistic parent intentionally doing the opposite of what they know is best for the children or deliberately doing the opposite of what the other parent asks or suggests in relation to parenting duties.

It involves manipulation, sabotage, deliberate defiance and unrelenting efforts to ‘win’. It is used to destabilise you. To infuriate you. To exhaust you. And ultimately, to turn the children against you.

It involves one parent constantly having to try and undo the damage, chaos and conflict caused by the other parent.

Counter-parenting isn’t ever about parenting.

It’s the ultimate power-play. The ultimate act to regain control over you. The never ending game of chess.

But what can you do to survive narcissism and co-parenting?

 

Practice self-care above all else

Parenting in the context of narcissism is unrelenting and utterly exhausting. It takes a huge toll psychologically, emotionally and physically and so for that reason, it is vital you take time for yourself. Try to eat, sleep and move well to keep your nervous system happy. Journal, go to classes you enjoy, spend time with friends. Set and enforce boundaries to protect your peace and remember, self-care isn’t a luxury, it’s required for survival. Move away from pain and towards pleasure as much as you can.

Use email to communicate wherever possible

Using email creates space between you and the other parent. It allows you to think and plan your emails without the pressure of a face to face interaction which could rapidly turn toxic, or dangerous. Email also creates a paper trail which is handy if you are dealing with lawyers, family court or Police. Remember, keep emails transactional and business like. In the context of narcissism and co-parenting, this means no emotion, short and to the point factual communications only.

(Text messages can also be an option but remember, data stored on a phone can be accidentally erased and phones can be broken, lost or stolen)

Don’t see the narcissistic parent face to face

If necessary, consider reducing or eliminating face to face contact with the narcissistic parent wherever possible. This will reduce the risk of difficult interactions where you could easily be thrown off course and get emotional about their behaviour. A destabilised ex is a narcissist’s ‘chew toy’, they will latch on and emotionally ‘devour’ you so maintain distance if needed. This may also involve changing plans for handing over children etc. If you are attending an event for your children and you know they will also attend, arrive early, sit separately, be with other company if you can and also have a safe way to exit if required.

Pick your battles

This one is obvious but do consider it. When dealing with the narcissistic parent, ask yourself things like;

• What am I trying to achieve?
• Does this really matter?
• Is this worth it?
• What will I be giving up if I pursue this?
• Is this outcome possible knowing who I’m dealing with?
• Is this problem worth sacrificing my peace for?

Narcissists always come ready for a psychological fight, gloves and all, so do yourself a favour and don’t show up unless (a) it’s unavoidable and (b) you come prepared.

Never break your own rules of engagement

When it comes to narcissism and co-parenting, remember to honour your commitment to yourself and your peace by sticking to what you’ve said you’re going to do. Said you’ll only communicate with them on certain days? Only communicate with them on those days. Said you won’t engage when they behave a certain way? Don’t engage when they behave in that way. If you have boundaries in place to make life easier, try not to break them. By standing your ground and being consistent you will feel calmer and more confident, therefore being  less affected by the narcissist’s behaviour.

Control what you can control

Ever heard the Serenity Prayer? “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”? I’m not religious at all but, do I love this! When it comes to narcissists, you will never change them. Fix them. Make them see the error in their ways. You cannot hate or love them ‘out’ of narcissism. And, you will never control them. What you can control is your boundaries, your thoughts, feelings and actions, what you give your energy to, and how you handle challenges. Peace follows when we accept this, hard as it is.

Take the high road

Narcissistic ex being obnoxious? Overbearing? Arrogant? Disrespectful?

NEVER meet them where they’re at and return fire. You’ll want to, trust me, I know. But short term pain can create beautiful long term gains. Hold fire and find healthy ways to release adrenaline and cortisol.

Remember… ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys!’.

Take the proverbial high road, there’s less traffic up there. It’s quieter, calmer and safer. It gets you to your destination faster and with the least number of obstacles.

Educate your children about behaviour choices and build their emotional intelligence

Where appropriate, it can be really helpful to teach children about healthy and unhealthy behaviours, behaviours and their consequences as well as choices and decisions in life. When having these conversations with your children, ensure you separate the other parent from the behaviours, that is, talk about the behaviours themselves rather than the parent engaging in these behaviours. This will help your kids see that you are in fact talking about behaviour as a separate idea and not putting their other parent down.

It’s also very helpful to help foster your child’s self-awareness so they can learn to identify and manage their own emotions. This in turn helps reduce stress, which, in the context of being raised by a narcissist, there is usually a lot of!

Stick to parenting your way

When dealing with narcissism and co-parenting, no matter what happens in the other home, stick to your guns. Stay in your own lane and parent according to your own values. This is one thing you absolutely can control when all else feels out of your control. Despite what the narcissist will try to convince you, children need healthy rules, boundaries and consequences to feel safe so maintaining order in your home is vital. You may not see it in the short term but in the long term, your hard work will pay off and your kids will grow up healthy and happy because of your steadfast efforts.

Find a counsellor with specific skills, training and experience in this area!

Trying to raise children with a narcissist is like trying to bottle up every drop of water on earth. Almost certainly impossible. With that in mind, finding the right support people can be a light in an otherwise dark tunnel. If you do decide to reach out for support from a counsellor, make sure to do some research and find out what their experience, skills and training are in this area. Taking the time to do this will ensure you receive tailored support from someone with the appropriate knowledge of this highly stressful parenting situation.

In my work with clients as a registered counsellor I draw from my own lived experience and ongoing professional experience to help support women going through this exact thing.

So there you have it… Narcissism And Co-Parenting | Survival Tips Within…

 

I hope this article was helpful and that you’ve got some ideas on how to better approach your own unique situation.

Remember, when it comes to narcissism and parenting, you can’t make sense out of nonsense so relieve yourself from the chore of trying to!

If you’d like to work with me and receive support around parenting after separation in the context of narcissism, please reach out to me via the booking portal or contact page.

Until next time…

Yours in better mental health,